25 Rejected Liberal Tips on a Greener Living

1. Inside, outside, frontside, backside, use your underwear for 4 days!
2. When buying clothing, if it itches it’s good for you and Gaia.
3. Take the 100 mile challenge. Sure, that means wormy onions in February but shift happens, you know.
4. Body hair is beautiful.
5. After you smoke your ganja you can make the fiber into tie-dye T-shirts for barter.
6. Ride your bike to work . . . in January . . . in Toronto.
7. Don’t just sell your car, recycle it! Your financial loss is Gaia’s gain (and the wrecker’s . . .)
8. Go vegan! The animal exploitation industry is a major contributor to greenhouse gases.
   
9. Turn down your thermostat, wear wool. (hold on, what was #8 again?)
10. Use ethanol! No, wait, use wind power! No, wait, use nuclear! No, wait . . . Aaw, man! Which one doesn’t starve kids, kill birds, or go all “China syndrome” and shift?
11. Drink water. But not that trendy bottled crap in plastic, no, drink tap water. Unless you’re under a boil water advisory or live on a reserve.
12. Eat less. Thin is in!
13. Don’t think too hard, brains use lots of calories.
14. Get a vasectomy using only natural anesthetics. Seriously. You love the planet, don’t you?
15. Don’t use antibiotics; they’ll just end up in our water one way or another.
16. Move to the “big city” and live in a loft with 10 other eco-friendly people. You’re body heat will keep you warm in winter!
17. Buy only organic food produced by fair trade, unionized labourers. (Not those fascist farmers. They all vote Conservative, you know)
18. Turn off your computer. Your parents didn’t need one and neither do you.
19. Turn off your TV. Your Grandparents didn’t need one and neither do you.
20. Refrain from having children. Sex is ok, just not the kids.
21. Sign a non-resuscitation order. Why waste energy when you’re gonna die someday anyway?
22. Body odour is natural. Deodorants are not.
23. Ride the bus. A lot.
24. Compost everything. Your Great Grandparents didn’t need a toilet and neither do you.
25. Finally, consider suicide. One less person poisoning Gaia is the greatest gift of all. (But not until after the election, ok? We need your vote)